


Requiem for Blue Jeans

by trucefully



Category: Bastille (Band)
Genre: Depression, Drug Abuse, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Heroin, M/M, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-09
Updated: 2017-12-09
Packaged: 2019-02-12 12:16:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,286
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12958989
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/trucefully/pseuds/trucefully
Summary: In the reflection, I could see the mattress on the ground, the sheets and blankets a mess and stained. I could see signs of Charlie's heroin use scattered about with the trash and miscellaneous things abandoned to coat the floor. I was standing in the middle of a wasteland, and I looked clean. Like I had simply wandered in on accident. I didn't look like myself, and that's exactly what I wanted.





	Requiem for Blue Jeans

**Author's Note:**

> notes: i've changed the perspective of this story from the last from third person to first, just because i think it fits with the story better. a more personal take. also, this will be an american au cos that's easiest for me to write rip. hope you enjoy!
> 
>  
> 
> DISCLAIMER: do not use any of the drugs mentioned in this story. they are ADDICTIVE and DANGEROUS. they ruin lives and in most cases, take them away completely. they're not to be fucked around with. don't even test them out. i'm writing characters who are not mentally stable and they turn to drugs and see them as something that's okay. this isn't meant to persuade anyone into drug use and i really hope no one reading this is suffering/or will ever suffer with terrible addictions like this. please stay safe. <3

**Las Vegas, Nevada. 1990.**

 

 

No lights were on in my small house. Every window had the curtains pulled aside to let in sunlight, but it was almost as if the 90 degree sun couldn't penetrate the chill and gloom that hung throughout the place. The tiny television against the back wall was on, but the VHS tape had stopped about an hour ago, and now the screen only showed black and white static. The white noise was turned up full volume, but it hardly disturbed us.

Our house was practically bare. The living room and kitchen were connected by an open floor plan and completely uninterrupted by furniture. We had a love seat set up in front of the TV, and that was where Charlie and I sat. He was asleep, his face as vacant as our home, mouth slightly open. The needle he stuck in his frail arm was still hanging there. As I watched him from the other end of the couch, it was easy for me to imagine that he was dead. Even with eyes open and speaking, he hardly looked alive. At the rate he was going down, it wouldn't take him long to match how he looked.

I didn't like to see him like this. It made me sick to think that one day I could wake up with him actually gone, and I might not be able to tell the difference. I reached across his limp body, plucking the needle from his arm and carefully setting it on the floor away from where he might step when he woke up. He didn't even flinch, far too lost in a coma of chemicals.

He was easy to move to lay on his side, giving no resistance. I made sure that he was in a good position for vomit to escape his airways if it came to that, then I left the rest to fate. I would love to hang around and watch over him, but I had to bring in money that didn't support his addiction, or we wouldn't eat.

The carpet was matted down and dingy after years of not really bothering to clean it. I walked softly to the hallway where our bedroom and the bathroom sat opposite of each other. I stepped into the bathroom over piles of trash and dirty clothes. I didn't close the door just in case Charlie needed me quickly, then stripped off my stained clothes to join the clutter.

My shower was lukewarm, but I still felt like I was being thawed out. The water washed away all of the drugs and the tears. The grime coating the house and everything in it washed off me, and breathed some life into me. I wasn't the corpse's boyfriend anymore. I was alive.

I stepped out of the shower and walked to the sink, standing in front of it, dripping and still somewhat of a mess. I took my time shaving and brushing my teeth, because it was really the only care that I got anymore. Deodorant. Hair Spray. Cologne. Steps closer to being a man that Charlie wouldn't even recognize if he passed me on the street.

The clothes I picked out to wear were ones that I kept stored in the top of the closet to make sure that they didn't get filthy like everything else. I even took them to the laundromat instead of our own washer and dryer because I was afraid they would collect the smell of rot. I picked out jeans and a white shirt from the collection to keep it simple. I gave myself one last look in the full length mirror in our tiny bedroom.

In the reflection, I could see the mattress on the ground, the sheets and blankets a mess and stained. I could see signs of Charlie's heroin use scattered about with the trash and miscellaneous things abandoned to coat the floor. I was standing in the middle of a wasteland, and I looked clean. Like I had simply wandered in on accident. I didn't look like myself, and that's exactly what I wanted.

My ride would be here any moment. I got my wallet and keys from atop our dresser, next to the ashtray. On my way out of the bedroom, I grabbed a blanket off the floor and carried it to our tiny couch.

Charlie was still asleep. I draped the blanket over him for when the chill of the night settled in and I wasn't there to keep him warm. Laying down and snuggled up, he looked a little more alive. I smiled softly, kneeling beside him and kissing his forehead.

I stroked his thin arm until his eyes opened. I wasn't even sure he would remember speaking to me, but it was worth a shot. "Baby? I'm going to the strip tonight. Will you be okay here?"

"You singin'?" Charlie mumbled, reaching around blindly for my hand. I held his gently, leaning my forehead against his.

"I am. You gonna be okay?" I asked again.

"Yeah, yeah. Be safe little lady." He gave me his best attempt at a smile, and I kissed him so he wouldn't be able to say anything more. I hated when he called me that. He insisted on it, since I was something of the "little woman", staying at home while he went to work during the week. 

The doorbell rang, and Charlie was already fading away again. "I love you." I told him, hoping for a response just before he left me.

"Love you too, Danny." He whispered, and that was enough to make me happy. I kissed him a couple more times before jogging to the door.

My savior from this hellhole came in a leather jacket and riding boots. He stood on my front porch and grinned when he saw me. I would have kissed him out of sheer joy if I weren't afraid of him punching me out for it. "Well, if it isn't the man himself. That roommate of yours out?"

"Like a light." I nodded, shutting the door tightly behind me. "Good to see you, Will."

"Been a while, hasn't it? But I've got all the boys with me already. We're all set to drive back in." Will walked beside me down through our front yard, which was really just a pile of weeds with a fence. His black muscle car was idling along the curb, and in the front, Woody was smacking his hands on the dashboard to the beat of a song on the radio. And in the back, Kyle was playing air guitar and singing along. I could hear them before I even opened the door.

Kyle beamed at me as I slid into the back seat next to him. "Hello Mr. Smith! Looking sharp as ever, putting us to shame." He patted the spot directly next to him, and I scooted over until our thighs touched. He put his hand on my knee, and my heart started to beat again. The longer I was with these guys, the more alive I felt. 

"Just wearing what was in my closet." I laughed, leaning back in my seat a bit and smiling at him. The sunlight from the back window fell on my jaw and neck, and Kyle ate me up with his eyes. When I was out, I didn't look or feel like myself. Who I was behind those walls was not the same person in the back of this car. And as shitty as it was, I completely put the fact that I belonged to Charlie into the back of my mind. 

Will shifted gears, lowering the blaring volume of the radio as he pulled off the cracked curb. "So, Dan. First gig off the street tonight. How does it feel to finally be 21?"

I grinned. "Fuckin' great. Can't believe you booked us at a bar so fast."

"People have been begging to see you on proper stages for about a year now." Kyle squeezed my knee, and I looked at him so adoringly I could feel the stupid expression on my face. "We've got waiting lists of venues that want us. We just had to wait until you were legally old enough to set foot in them."

Woody looked over his shoulder at me. "There are people so desperate to have us they'll take Monday nights. Are you ready for real work, Dan?"

My heart was practically bursting with excitement. More than anything, I just wanted to make it doing what I loved, and with these three guys beside me the whole way. The fantasies that I ran away to while sleeping on a sagging mattress were always those of fame and being elsewhere. Somewhere that the sun could be balanced out by the ocean. Somewhere that was too far for Charlie to find me.

At the same time, in a more realistic sense, I knew that I couldn't leave Charlie. Even a few nights out of the week had me on edge that he would get confused or hurt somehow, and I would have to find him dead. I wasn't ready for the way that would break me. I just wasn't.

A whistle from the front snapped my attention back. My eyes met Will's in the tilted rear view mirror. "Get that look off your face. You're our baby, we're gonna take care of you." His eyes crinkled with a smile I couldn't see in the reflection. I was only barely 21 while everyone else in the car all were closer to 30. They lovingly nicknamed me "baby" and guided me like older brothers. Except for Kyle, who took a shining to me in a different way.

They could have easily left me to pursue bands that could actually tour in places that were 21 plus. Unfortunately in Vegas, that was practically everywhere. But they were patient with me and my music, setting up on sidewalks with open instrument cases and playing for tips instead of pay. I was always afraid they'd call me and tell me to forget about playing with them. But when they called me their baby, they meant it. I was their pride and joy. They loved me.

"Well... Fuck it then. Book us as many gigs as we can take. I'll sing until my throat gives out." I said finally.

Woody punched the roof of the car out of excitement, and Kyle pulled me into a one-armed hug. "Atta boy." Will reached back and shook my leg briefly. "That's settled then. We're all in, gonna make this thing work."

I laid my head on Kyle's shoulder and laughed. "Where first, then? What kind of a set do we have?"

"Bar across town that has been asking for us forever. They would have let you in before you birthday, but we didn't want to risk our baby getting in trouble." Woody said, putting his feet on the dash and gaining a scowl from Will. "But before all the work, we're taking you for your first drink."

I settled in for the cruise comfortably against Kyle's side, draping my arm across his waist and tucking myself up onto the back seat. His hand found a resting spot on the curve of my side. I was warm, and slightly drowsy from all the exhaustion of worrying.

Kyle gently shifted me down and laid my head in his lap. I was too tired to protest, and his fingers in my dark hair lulled me to the edge of consciousness. Just as I was about to fade out, I heard Kyle whisper to Will, "Drive around a bit. Baby looks like he hasn't slept in a week.

 

-

 

I wasn't sure how long that Will drove around. It felt like I had just barely nodded off when Kyle shook me lightly. I wanted to bury my face in his thigh and beg for five more minutes, but I jolted fully awake when he tickled my side. "I'm up, I'm up!" I pushed away from him, and the three men laughed.

We were parked outside a local restaurant, and they all looked ready to go inside. I yawned, stretching my arms and trying to blink the sleep from my eyes. "We eating?"

"Sure are, baby." Will got out and opened my door for me, patting my back as I got out. "It's a few days late, but we wanted to buy you birthday dinner and drinks. Did your roommate already take your alcohol virginity?"

My mood was sobered a bit. My birthday was on Thursday, and it was Saturday now. Charlie hadn't said a word. He was never a fan of alcohol, but we always had a bit of beer in the fridge. I never touched it because I didn't want to have a substance crutch like him. I had no problem drinking out with friends where I was safe, but if I started in that home I would die an early death. So truthfully, I said, "No. This will be my first."

We entered the warm building, blasted by the delicious smell of the grill. I hadn't realized how embarrassingly long it had been since I had a proper meal. If my friends knew about my life at home, they wouldn't ever allow me to go back. But I simply just didn't bring it up.

Our table was small and dim, shoved in the back corner away from everyone else. We ordered appetizers, and Will helped me pick out a beer. I didn't know the first thing about it, so his chatter of hops and bitterness was absolutely wasted on me. But I nodded along, trying to learn what I could. Charlie would never teach me any of this.

The waitress left us to go get drinks, and I was buzzing with nervous excitement. My first drink, and my first birthday that I was celebrating in a few years. On top of that, the promise of turning my passion into serious work. Even though today had started out like many other days, it was turning into something special.

Kyle had his arm around the back of my chair, and our legs were touching once more. It could easily be passed off as the close proximity  of our table, but I knew and he knew. I was tempted to just cling to him and not give a fuck what anyone thought. But I knew it wasn't safe. Not yet.

Before the drinks got there, Will excused himself for a moment. Instead of going towards the back where the bathroom was, he walked out the front door. I watched him go, then looked at Woody. "Where's he off to?"

My friend winked at me. "You'll see."

I didn't have time to pry before the waitress came back with a bunch of drinks carefully balanced on a tray. The beer came in large glasses, and the one set in front of me was a pretty golden color with a thick foam topping it. Next to it, she set down a glass of Coca Cola I had ordered just in case the real beer didn't go well.

"Don't be drinking that until your father gets back." Kyle teased, massaging the trap of my neck. "He'll want to see your face."

I nodded my agreement, pulling my Coke over and sipping on it through the straw instead.

Woody glanced between the two of us carefully, his eyes slightly narrowed as he tried to piece together what was happening between us. We didn't have to say much, the suspicion was growing every time we were together. Of all people I was sure that my friends would be the most accepting, but I didn't want to chance it still. It was too unpredictable. 

The weird silence was broken when Will returned, a brown bag in his hands. I tilted my head at it. "What's that?"

"You'll see." Will slid my beer in front of me. "Drink first."

My friends all leaned forward with eager faces as I picked up the cold pint. I smelled it, wrinkling my nose at the yeasty aroma. "Should I just sip it?" I asked to stall.

Woody grinned. "You could. Or you could be a man and try to chug it." They all laughed, but I took it to heart.

To their amazement, I tipped the glass against my lips and let the liquid spill into my mouth. The first rush was awful and bitter, and I wanted to spit it out. But I forced the bubbling alcohol down my throat gulp after gulp. I could barely register that my friends had broken out into shouts of encouragement, pounding the table while i tried not to gag. I drained it down to the very last drop, then set the glass down and coughed.

"He did it! Our baby is a man!" Kyle whooped, hugging my tightly.

I laughed, pushing the empty glass away. "That was absolutely revolting." I shuddered. "And I don't feel any different. When does it become worth it?"

"Give it a while." Will promised, raising his own beer glass before taking a sip of it. "That's gonna hit you like a ton of bricks if it's truly your first time drinking."

Kyle kept one arm around me, rubbing my shoulder. "I think he's gonna be a natural. Did you see him down that thing? Like an old pro."

I could feel a bit of something starting. A warmth in my stomach that was slowly rising to my cheeks. Despite the taste, it felt amazing.

Will placed the paper bag in front of me, looking almost just as excited for this as he had been for the beer. "Hey, we all got you a little something. Don't get all mushy or I might throw up."

I looked at each of them in turn, only able to come up with mushy things to say. I swallowed down the lump in my throat, managing to choke out, "Thank you." Without tearing up too much.

The brown bag was folded over once, and I was careful when opening it. No one had gone through this much effort for my birthday in probably a good five years. The dinner was enough on its own to make it the best birthday yet. But they had gone beyond expectations I didn't even have.

From inside the bag I pulled out a folded denim jacket. I ran my fingers over the fabric, promptly failing to hold myself together. I wanted to blame it on my very first drink, but I just couldn't. I started to cry, and it was all because of the love my makeshift family gave to me.

"Before you can't see through your tears, read the back." Kyle teased, but in a gentle tone. He turned the jacket over, showing me big letters along the back that read 'BABY' in red and white block letters. Kyle pointed to the lettering. "Did that ourselves, learned to sew and everything. Every lead singer needs a cool jacket to remember them by, don't they?"

I was speechless, overwhelmed, and starting to feel the buzz of alcohol in my system. I pressed the hand-sewn patches to my mouth and cried even harder than before. Warm bodies pressed against me from both sides, and I was engulfed in a big group hug. I let myself cry just a while longer and be comforted by their warmth. 

When I finally did calm down, Will leaned back and ruffled my hair. "What did I say about getting mushy? Stop your crying. Pick out something to eat."

I laughed softly, wiping my eyes with the back of my hand. "Sorry, sorry. I'll shut up." I put on the jacket carefully. It was a little big, but I liked the baggy fit. And everyone around me wouldn't contain their smiles when they saw it on me.

Things were beginning to look up. After so long of barely making it, I had a clear path to happiness laid out before me, and friends to help guide me. Sitting in a restaurant ordering food and laughing about inside jokes, i was so far from Charlie that I forgot about him. The house that looked like it clawed its way out of the earth didn't exist tonight.

I wasn't the lover of a man dying by choice. I was my band mate's baby, their pride and joy in a denim jacket.

Under the cover of the table, Kyle's hand rested on my thigh. I didn't look at him, but I placed my hand over his and squeezed it.

Out here, I was Kyle's.

 

-

 

Waking up in a clean bed was a luxury that I wasn't used to. Thick blankets cradling my body were slowly becoming too hot to bear on a sunny Vegas morning. I groggily pushed the covers down, letting my hot skin air out.

Just as I was about to drift back to sleep, a body pressed against my back, and soft kisses were pressed onto the freckles on my shoulders. "What are you doing here?" Kyle's sleepy voice brought a smile to my face. "You never stay the night. Not that I'm complaining."

I turned over and threw my arms around his tanned back, bringing his lips to mine in the same movement. He melted like butter into my kiss, his bare chest pressed against mine. Neither of us had the energy for much more other than our slow morning kiss, but it was still a nice way to wake up.

Kyle's mouth parted from mine, and he laid on top of me. I kicked the blankets down so we wouldn't get heat stroke from cuddling and then held him tightly. He settled with his head resting in the curve of my neck, a little sigh breezing past his lips and hitting against my skin. A pleasant shiver raced down my back, and I stroked my fingers through his hair.

"Couldn't exactly make it home with how drunk we both were." I said, staring up at the popcorn ceiling and trying to find pictures in the bumps.

Chuckling, Kyle nuzzled my throat. "You could at least pretend it was because you wanted to. It would make me feel really good."

The smile faded from my lips. I hugged him a little tighter, closing my eyes. "You have no idea how much I want to stay. I just... I can't."

"Because of your drug addict roommate." Kyle said, his fingers brushing against my collarbone idly. "Because he might do something stupid if you're not there."

He sounded so sad, and it broke my heart. I knew he wanted so much for me to be with him all the time. And very honestly, I knew I wanted the same thing. I couldn't even think too much about Kyle when we were apart, because I knew that it would drive me insane. So after we slept together, I usually left as soon as he fell asleep and took a cab home to Charlie. That way when I woke up the next morning, it felt like a dream rather than a reality that was just out of my reach.

"He could be dead now for all I know." I whispered. I thought often of that situation, and how I would handle it. When we first started dating I always imagined that him dying would send me into an early demise of dying from a broken heart. I was so numb to that fear now that I wasn't sure I would have a reaction at all. It wouldn't be a shock, and that was all I knew.

Kyle pushed himself up suddenly, propping himself above me on his elbows so he could look me in the eye. "I know he's not just your roommate." He blurted out, his face so full of concern that he looked like he might cry. "He's your boyfriend, right? You love him?"

I was stunned for a few moments. "Kyle... I love  _you_."

"I'm not saying you don't. But you're in a relationship with him. And you keep going back to that place because you love him." He pushed my hair back soothingly as tears started to well up in my eyes. "I'm not mad at you for it. If I were in your situation, I would probably do the same thing. But staying in that place... I don't worry about him overdosing. I worry about you wasting away, trapping in there. I worry about you pushing yourself too far to make him happy. I worry about you getting caught up in the same shit he's in."

The words he spoke were filling me with the crushing feeling that I had let everyone down. Shame and fear crawled under my skin, and I suddenly felt trapped with Kyle, like my back was in a corner. I never had that sort of feeling with him, and I hated it.

"Do you really think after watching him slowly kill himself that I would start using?" I seethed, unaware I was even angry until the words left my mouth. "Do you think I'm that selfish? I have a life to live for, Kyle. I have music. I have  _you_. I'm nothing like Charlie. I love him, yes. But I don't want to. And I can't stop caring for him, even when he drains the life out of me. I would  _never_  do that to someone!"

Kyle flinched. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean-"

I pushed away from him, getting off the bed and making a beeline for my clothes in a pile on the floor. As I got dressed, I heard Kyle sigh and climb off the bed himself. I kept my back to him, still stinging from his accusations. I pulled on my boxers and jeans, keeping my back to Kyle so he couldn't see how much he broke me.

When my shirt was on, Kyle's hands caressed my arms softly from behind. I didn't have the heart to pull away from him again, so I let his hands sooth my tense shoulders, then wrap me in a warm embrace. "I'm sorry Dan. You're not like him, not at all." Kyle's lips hovered over the back of my beck as he spoke."You're right, you wouldn't do that. You're stronger than Charlie. You have a chance to really make it, and I believe in you."

I placed my hands over his arms around my chest, looking down at his blueish-gray carpet. My vision began to blur with tears. "I'm so afraid of becoming like him." I admitted, my voice cracking. "I don't ever wanna be like that."

"As long as I'm in your life, that won't happen. I won't let it. If I see a needle anywhere near your arm, I'll smack you up." Kyle teased, and it worked to ear a small laugh from me. "Seriously, Dan. It's going to be okay. I do worry about you living like that, but you wouldn't ever let it get dangerous. And you would call me if you ever needed help. Right?"

He turned me around, and I hugged him tightly. He smelled clean and warm, even after a night of performing in a hot bar with several drinks to celebrate our first stage performance. I felt safe like this. So safe that I nearly asked Kyle if I could just spend the day with him. 

But I had to get home and check on my boyfriend. His addiction wound itself into my life and held me back at every turn.

Standing in Kyle's arms, I was suddenly fed up with it. I didn't want to keep getting hurt because Charlie couldn't keep his life sorted. He love drugs more than he loved me, if he loved me at all. He probably just liked me because I stuck around. I didn't want to be that guy anymore.

"I do think I could use some help, actually." I said, stepping back to look at him. Kyle's eyebrows pulled together, and he nodded silently for me to continue. I took a deep breath, forcing the words out of my mouth before I lost them to anxiety. "Will you run away with me?"

 

-

 

Lights from inside our house shined out onto the lawn when the taxi dropped me off. The morning had started sunny, but was quickly overtaken by dark clouds that threatened to drop rain on our desert city. I pulled my new denim jacket tightly to my body to protect me from the chill and hurried up the walkway.

I tested the doorknob, finding it unlocked. It gave me an awful feeling, but I tried to force it down. Maybe he went out to get food, or more heroin. I pushed open the door, bracing myself for whatever might be inside.

What I had expected instantly fled from my mind and was replaced with shock. I thought that somehow I had walked into the wrong house, because mine was completely transformed. The trash that used to litter the floor was gone. All the clothes were picked up as well. The tiny amounts of furniture we owned had been scrubbed and wiped down. The house didn't smell faintly of rotting food anymore. It was like a breath of fresh air.

My feet refused to move from the doorway. Everything was spotless, and I just couldn't believe that it was my house.

While I was busy marveling at the polished floors and clean dishes stacked by the sink, Charlie came out of the bedroom. He saw me, nearly dropping his armful of laundry. "Hey!" He exclaimed, carefully setting the clothes outside the laundry room before walking briskly to me. "There you are. I've been worried sick, why didn't you call me?"

Charlie was live. More than just breathing while knocked out on drugs. He was bright-eyed and had a flush of color to his skin. His face wasn't hollow anymore, he had an expression of relief as he hugged me tightly, kissing all over my face. He smelled nice. I gripped the front of his clean shirt, still speechless. 

"Is something wrong?" Charlie asked worriedly, looking me over. "Are you okay sweetheart?"

"I'm...." I had to swallow my shock, nodding slowly. "I'm fine, Charlie. I didn't think to call you. I thought you would just be relaxing all weekend. I'm sorry."

My boyfriend smiled, sighing and pulling me into a hug. "That's alright. I just woke up, and you weren't there. You're usually home by midnight. I just... Worried, I guess."

My heart ached awfully for that. I stepped inside, closing the door with my foot and burying my face into Charlie's chest. I was getting torn up inside now. I had just come from kissing Kyle and making plans to ditch this town with our friends for better lives. I couldn't have ever predicted to come back to my boyfriend looking like he the living ghost of the man I fell in love with. I thought whoever he was when we first met was gone, lost to addiction. But he was back again. he was holding me and playing with my hair in the way he knew that I loved. 

Unknowingly making it worse, Charlie squeezed me and said, "It's alright, little lady. No harm done. I channeled all of my nervous energy and cleaned the house. Looks good, doesn't it? I hadn't realized how bad it got. Yikes."

He wasn't high. He was doped up. He was just Charlie. I missed him so fucking much that it felt like someone had ripped my heart out of my chest and stepped on it. I closed my fists on his shirt, managing a small, "It looks great, Char." Before I completely lost it. I cried so hard and so suddenly that I couldn't focus on Charlie's reaction. All I could hear was my awful sobs clawing their way out of my throat.

It was easy to fall out of love with Charlie when he wasn't around, or hidden from my sight behind glazed eyes. It was hard to deny it when he was right here. I felt like shit for leaving him. I felt even worse for cheating on him, like he didn't have feelings anymore. Like he meant nothing to me.

Next thing I knew, Charlie was carrying me to the counter. He sat me on the edge and stood between my legs. His hands gently wiped away my stream of tears. "Shhh. Dan, it's alright. Everything's fine, isn't it? Little better than usual, actually. It's all okay. Don't cry."

"So-sorry." I stammered, wiping my eyes on the sleeves of my new jacket. I tried to calm myself down, taking deep breaths and leaning my forehead against his. "It's just been an emotional few days. I'm fine, I'm happy. It's just... So good to see you like this, babe. Really. Sorry I worried you, though. I should have called, I just drank a lot and crashed on Will's couch."

Charlie smiled warmly. "That's right, my boy is 21 now. So your band mates got you drunk, huh? How was the show last night?"

"Really good. It was our first show with a roof over our heads, so that was nice." Charlie laughed, and I held on to the sound of it to store away in my memory. "They got me this jacket and bought me dinner, then we sang and played and drank more than was probably acceptable."

Charlie's eyes were full of interest, watching my face intently while I spoke. "So, you had a crowd then? What was that like?"

I tried to recall the night through the haze alcohol put over my memories. I remember how cramped the stage was, and the crowd of people milling around it, waiting for us. Fans of our music.

"It was so weird. But I can't wait for the next one." I beamed at him, and his eyes lit up with love. "Kyle says we're gonna be booked out almost every night the next few weeks. And we even have venues calling from other states. Can you believe it?"

"Actually, I can. You have the most amazing voice." Charlie leaned up and kissed my lips softly twice. "You're a star then, huh? Don't let the fame get to your head."

I was smiling so hard I thought my face might freeze like that. My Charlie was back. I couldn't be sure for how long, but I was going to enjoy every second while I had him. "I won't. I want you to see me sing sometime. Will you come to a show?"

Charlie held my hands tightly. "I would love to, Danny. When's your next show?"

"Tuesday." I said. "I'll save you a spot right up front."

This was all surreal. The glow our home had, and the life in Charlie's eyes. but he was real, I could feel his hands. He wasn't sick from his withdrawals yet, and he was productive with his time instead of shooting up again. But I wouldn't be able to keep him like this for long. He would need his next hit and I wouldn't be able to stop it. For one last time though, I wanted to pretend. When I left to chase my dreams, I would remember Charlie exactly like this.

"I'll make it." Charlie promised. He had every intent right now, but the inevitable shot of heroin would change his mind. He kissed me again, and I silently willed him to stay this way. When our mouths parted, his eyes locked with mine. "I know you've been singin' a lot, but do you still got a song left for me?"

I cupped his face in my hands, the pain setting in despite my smile. "You know I've always got a song for you."

Charlie listed me off the counter, and I hurried to our bedroom. I took a moment to pause inside, admiring the clean bed and the smell of fresh laundry. I went into the closet and pulled out my old acoustic guitar. I wasn't very good with it, but I still kept it around for moments like these. Charlie had gotten it for me for our first Christmas together. 

When I returned to the living room, Charlie was sitting in front of the couch on the floor, my very own audience of one. This was how I started singing.

I sat on the couch and started to tune the guitar while Charlie lit up a cigarette, an ashtray by his crossed legs. He was already starting to crave, he just wasn't aware of it yet. He would maybe get through half a pack before it really hit him.

"What do you want to hear?" I asked, strumming the guitar a few times to make sure it sounded right.

Charlie hummed and took a drag of his cigarette. "Oh... How about that one you've been listening to a lot? The one about Elvis."

I paused, glancing at him quickly before looking back to the strings. I had only played that CD while he was passed out or nearly there. Maybe he took in more than I thought he did. Maybe he lived his life thinking he was more alert than he actually was. I was too afraid to spoil the moment to bring it up.

" _Mississippi in the middle of a dry spell..._ " I sang softly, plucking and strumming along to the song as best as I could remember. It didn't matter how bad I was, Charlie watched me like I was the first person he had ever heard sing. His eyes were flowing with adoration, a half his cigarette burned untouched as he focused on me through the first part of the song.

When I got to the chorus, his voice joined in, harmonizing with mine. " _Black velvet and that little boy's smile. Black velvet with that slow southern style. A new religion that'll bring you to your knees. Black velvet if you please._ "

I never told Charlie that he was the one who inspired me to sing. His voice was powerful, yet soft. Something that could carry the thunder of a gospel choir, while still moving your heart with a bittersweet ring. I learned everything I knew about singing from him. He used to sing a lot more before the drugs took away his passion. I started singing the day he stopped, and I kept going. He took to watching me from afar, carrying out a dream I suspected he still had. 

We finished out the song together, and Charlie applauded me vigorously. I laughed, hiding my face against the body of the guitar. "It wasn't that good." I said shyly, nudging him with my foot.

"Bullshit. It's amazing." Charlie snuffed out his cigarette in the ashtray and climbed up onto the couch with me. He pulled me into his lap, guiding my fingers to the strings on the neck. "Well, your singing was. The guitar got a little messed up. Your fingers were too flat. Remember how I showed you?"

"Like a birds nest." I said softly. I arched my fingers over the strings, and Charlie strummed once. The sound came out clear without my fingers accidentally pressing the other strings. I beamed at Charlie, and he kissed my cheek. 

"Well done, little lady. You're ready for your life of being a rock star." He said, laying his head on my shoulder.

I closed my eyes, strumming out little songs while Charlie breathed softly against my skin. I hadn't got much sleep, and I knew he would be starting to crash right about now. Maybe be nauseous, or start a fever. He would either try to bear through it, or he would solve it with a needle. Either way, I was losing him again.

"You tired, baby?" I asked, setting the guitar carefully aside. I turned around and he hugged me close, pulling me down with him to lay on the couch. i rested my head on his chest, listening for his quiet heartbeat. 

"I'm exhausted," Charlie admitted, rubbing my back as we both settled in for a nap. "Just being up since midnight, doing stuff. I could use some sleep."

I kissed his chest, closing my eyes and draping my arm across his stomach. "I really am sorry. I promise I'll call from now on."

"S'alright." Charlie slurred sleepily. "Just happy you're safe. I love you so much."

"I love you." I whispered. I waited for a moment, then looked up at him. "Charlie?"

"Yes sweetheart?"

"Will you love me forever?"

The question was off enough for Charlie to open his eyes. He shifted onto his side, pressing me against the couch in the limited space. Our noses were touching, and he looked at me seriously.

"I'll love you until the end of time. Even beyond that, if it's possible." Charlie said, touching my jaw softly. "You're the most important person in my life. Don't forget it. Okay? You're mine, and I'm yours. No matter where you go."

My eyes began to fill for what felt like the hundredth time that day. "Even if I travel far away with the band? Would you wait for me?"

Charlie kissed me slowly. "I would wait a million years."

All the answers he gave me, I didn't want o hear. I wanted him to be able to let go of me when I left him for good. I loved him, but only this version of him. I couldn't keep staying year after year just to catch glimpses of him. I needed to go. It was too painful to have him handed to me and taken away again. I just didn't want to leave him hurting as well.

"You sure you're okay, Dan?" Charlie asked.

"Yeah." I lied, cuddling up to him so I could hide my face. "Just wanted to hear you say it. Love you, Charlie."

"I love you too, little lady." He kissed the top of my head. "Well, guess I can't call you that anymore, can I? You're my star. My shining star."

"I'm your star." I echoed, hugging him tightly.

I was a star in his sky. A shooting star, racing far away from him towards the horizon. 

 

-

 

We slept away most of the day. After a few hours, Charlie got up and went into the bathroom. I listened to him trying to throw up on an empty stomach, unable to help. He didn't like me to be around when he got sick.

Noise in the bathroom disappeared for a long time. I only knew Charlie was even alive because I could see his shadow moving under the crack in the door from where I lay on the couch. I waited for him to come back to me so I could hold him through the withdrawals, promise him that everything would be alright.

But he didn't come to me for comfort. I didn't realize it until I heard the snap of rubber on his skin and the sound of needles on the porcelain sink. I turned my back to the door and covered my ears.

I replaced the sound in my mind with Charlie's laugh, and how we sounded when we sang together. I tried to think of anything aside from the sound of him giving in to his addictions once more.

 

-

 

"Why the hell are you buying all this food? We're leaving Sunday, y'know." Will asked me, a few steps behind me while I charged up and down the aisles of the super market. I was on a mission, filling my car with as much food as I could afford at the moment.

It was Wednesday evening. Charlie didn't show up to the gig even when I reminded him and left a note on the fridge. Part of me wished he would so I would maybe have a reason to stay and not break his heart. But he didn't, and I already knew he wouldn't. He was lost, and I didn't need to get lost with him.

"It's for Charlie." I said flatly, totaling up the items in my cart mentally. It wasn't much food, but at the rate that Charlie remembered to eat, it would last him a good month.

Will put a hand on the cart to stop me. I looked at him hesitantly. "Does he know that you're leaving for good?" Will looked shocked, maybe even angry.

I shrank back, avoiding his store. "Not yet. I'm gonna, I just have to wait for the right time."

"The right- Dan! Baby, that's a real shit thing to do to your..." Will trailed off before he said the word out loud. My face burned with shame, but he didn't know. He didn't know how long ago Charlie left me without a word and made me live with his walking corpse. I shoved the cart ahead towards the check out lanes.

"Not that it's any of your business, but I  _will_  tell him." I said tensely, keeping my voice low. "But I want him to be in his own mind when I do. It's no good to tell him when he's on something."

My friend dropped the subject while my items were scanned and totaled. I paid for the groceries, and we marched in silence out to Will's car with bags on our arms. Will popped the trunk, and I started to load the items into the back.

Will cleared his throat. "You're right to wait until he understands. But there are only a few days until we head out." He helped me load the last few bags in. He shut the trunk, and grabbed my arm gently before I could turn away. "Look at me, baby."

I complied slowly, meeting his eyes and bracing for another scolding. But Will's expression was soft, caring. He placed his hand on my shoulder and gave it a squeeze. "I know your relationship can't be a good one, baby. I know you probably hate him, and rightly so. But he's still a person, and one you used to be in love with. By all means get out of there. But try not to be heartless."

"If I care too much, it'll hurt more." I said quietly, wiping at my eyes.

Sighing, Will yanked me forward by my shoulder and hugged me to his chest. "It seems like every time I see you, I make you cry." He grumbled, patting my back as affectionately as he could.

I stayed against him for a few moments before pulling away so he wouldn't have to be uncomfortable. I gave him my best smile to show him that I was fine, but he didn't smile back. He lead me over to the passenger door and helped me inside, then rounded the car and got in himself.

We both were quiet, listening to the radio while Will drove us out of the parking lot. My friend took a turn in the opposite direction of my home, and I looked at him in confusion. Will didn't explain, just tapped my nose and kept his eyes on the road. 

I had no idea until we pulled into the drive-thru of an ice cream shop. I sat in silence while he ordered two ice cream cones. We pulled through, got the orders, and drove off continuing in the opposite direction.

"You didn't have to buy me ice cream." I said quietly, licking off a few of the drips. "How old do you think I am?"

"How old you are and how old you act are two different things." Will teased. "Why do you think we call you baby?"

I laughed and pushed on his shoulder playfully. "Shut up. You're such a dick."

"Shut up and eat your ice cream. You'll feel better, mark my words."

I leaned back in my seat and did as instructed, licking the vanilla soft serve and watching Will's car weave through traffic in the late summer evening. The roads were pale and bleached from the constant sunshine, and the palm trees were a bright contrast to it. We merged onto the interstate and raced on towards the California state line.

The drive carried on through long plains of dirt and shrubbery. There wasn't much to look at outside from the big blue sky and other traffic. I finished my cone, then sorted through Will's cassette tape collection to keep us entertained while we traveled to where ever it was he wanted to go.

Before I could put my selected U2 tape in, Will glanced over at me. "You're a good kid. you know that?"

I paused, looking at him in confusion. "Um... Thanks, but why are you saying that?"

He grinned. "Why not? It's true."

"Maybe." I mumbled. I didn't want to drag Will into my self-pity again. He heard me whine and complain all day about my problems, and even I was sick of hearing myself mope. Regardless of that, I didn't feel like a good person at all. I felt like a coward.

Will reached over and ruffled my hair. "No, not maybe. You  _are_  a good person. I thought that when I first approached you singing karaoke at that shitty little 18+ club. I thought that when you introduced me to your boyfriend, even if you never said that he was. I thought that even when you started fucking around with Kyle. And I still think so when you're leaving Charlie in the shittiest way possible." I flinched, and Will soothed his hand across my cheek. "You've been doing some awful things, but you have a chance to make them right. And since you're such a good person, I know you will. Understand?"

I shrank back in my seat. As kindly as he could, Will was telling me that I was being a dick, and I couldn't say I disagreed. "I understand." I agreed, forgetting about the music and staring out the window. "Thanks, Will."

"I love you, baby." He said, and I smiled a bit. He was so against being mushy with his friends, so I kept quiet about it.

The sun was starting to set beyond the mountains, and Will pulled the car over just before the sign welcoming us to California. I stared at it, my heart aching to just drive over the line right now and be done with this whole state, and every damn memory that it held.

Will checked for traffic, then got out of the car. Curiously, I followed him out into the heat of the afternoon sun. He sat on the hood of his car, pulling a pack of cigarettes out of his leather jacket. He offered one to me as I sat beside him, and I took it just to have something to hold in my hands. We both gazed yards ahead at the California sign, Will taking a drag and blowing his smoke towards it.

"They say that's where dreams come true." My friend said after a long silence. "That's where we're taking you on Sunday."

My heart warmed with the thought of Kyle excitedly telling me about San Francisco while we waited for my taxi on Sunday. He told me we could start our band off properly, and be able to live a little bit more openly as a gay couple. It was hard for me to believe that we would actually be able to walk down the streets hand in hand just like any other couple. Hopefully, two of my biggest dreams would be coming true.

"We're all going. That's my dream, having you guys by my side." I glanced over at him.

Half of Will's face was glowing with the gold light of the setting sun, and he smiled as he placed his cigarette to his lips. "We'll stick by you no matter what. Just untangle yourself from the mess you're in, and we'll take you right past that sign and beyond."

I nodded meekly, rolling the unlit cigarette between my fingers. I reached into Will's pocket and found his silver lighter. He watched me flick it on and light the end of the small stick, inhaling deeply and letting out the warm air with a cough. 

"You done this before?" Will asked as I handed him back his lighter.

"Mostly just seen Charlie do it." I said, taking another drag and managing to let it out smoothly. "He's an old pro."

Will nodded slowly. "Hey, tell me about Charlie. How did you two even meet? Can't be easy, being... Y'know... Two guys."

The last thing I wanted to do was talk about him. But if I kept holding on to the anger I had towards him, it would make me colder, and I would want to just break things off instead of giving him a warning and explanation. Maybe if I recalled the good times with him, it would soften my heart.

"It's not that great of a story. I was out with some friends my senior year of high school. They invited some friends, who invited friends, and so on. He somehow wound up in the group, and I thought he was really cute, but I didn't say anything. And after our group properly destroyed the lawn of a retirement home, he won my heart over with his guitar and singing." I flicked the ashes onto the asphalt, sighing. "Even back then, we kind of secluded ourselves from the group. And it just kept going when we found out we were both homosexual. We ditched all our friends and built up a world where we could be safe together."

"But you eventually made friends again." He pointed out. "Years later. What changed?"

I arched my shoulders. "Heroin. It got lonely living with a guy who is basically dead. He just started wilting away, and I had to distract myself from always being afraid of losing him. So I turned to music, and to you guys. If I didn't, I guess I would probably be on the couch right now with a needle in my arm."

Will started on his second cigarette, and he lit one for me as well. "So, you and Kyle. How did  _that_  happen?"

I grinned. "The first night I crashed at his place, he took a chance and kissed me. It went in his favor. And then I kind of realized..."

"You didn't love Charlie." Will finished. "I see."

"It wasn't that moment that it happened," I whispered, sucking in some more smoke to help fight off the tears. "That's just when I knew. I stopped loving him when he replaced me with drugs. I wanted to leave... But we both have bad habits. And mine is taking care of him."

Our deep talk was disrupted by a loud truck passing by, making the both of us jump. I laughed softly, and Will flipped off the truck as it kept on going. "Sorry." He said, taking one last drag and flicking the butt onto the road. "The highway probably wasn't the best place to bond. But I'mg lad I understand a little better."

"I'm glad you know." I scooted over close to him and laid my head on his shoulder. I thought he might shove me away, but he allowed me to stay there while I finished my smoke.

Will crushed the last of my cigarette into the dirt, then put his arm around me and surprised me with a hug. "So, he makes you happen then? Kyle that is."

I closed my eyes and inhaled the smell of smoke clinging to his leather jacket. "Yeah, very happy. It's nice to have someone I don't have to be afraid of losing while we sleep. He's just... So good for me. I want to spend my life with him."

Will patted my back and let me go. "Then I'm happy for you both. Just make it official, yeah? Break up with the druggie and get swept off your feet, baby."

I smiled at him and nodded, feeling a little more sure now that Will helped me sort things out. "I promise."

 

-

 

I dozed on the way back to my house, curled against the door with Will's jacket over me like a blanket. I listened to Will singing along with his cassettes, feeling safe and comfortable just like this. I would get to leave in a few days, and this warm feeling would last until my dying day. I was so excited that I had no idea how I would last the next few days.

My house was dark and foreboding when we pulled up. Will got out to help me carry the bags in, silently staying by my side for support.

None of my friends had been inside my house before. I was glad Charlie had recently cleaned it, even if it was starting to fall back into disarray. We loaded the groceries into the cupboards together, and i was sure the both of us were wondering if Charlie would show. 

The door to our bedroom was closed, and that wasn't uncommon for when he shot up alone. It made him feel safer. Will didn't ask about him, and I didn't call for Charlie to meet him.

"You going to be okay here until Sunday?" Will asked as I put the last can away.

I nodded, glancing at the bedroom door. "Yeah. I'll keep myself busy with packing and such. You go on ahead and get home. And thank you for today, Will. All of it. I really needed that. And you're right, as always."

"'Course I am." Will tousled my fluffy black hair. "And you can make it up to me by not bitching out before Sunday. 8 AM, we're getting out of here bright and early. Pack light."

I laughed, walking him to the door. "You got it. Drive safe, Will."

He blew me a kiss as he walked down the sidewalk. "See you soon, baby."

I leaned int he doorway and watched until Will's car was out of sight, honking the whole way down my street and probably bugging the hell out of my neighbors. I closed the door softly, then turned back to the house.

It didn't even feel like home anymore. When Charlie and I bought it, we had all these grand ideas to decorate and make it our own. But that was only months before he got so lost in heroin that he couldn't find his way out. We couldn't do much more than survive after that.

I paced across the floor back to the bedroom and cracked the door. I expected Charlie to be asleep, but he was sitting up on top of the covers. He was shirtless, and his bones were jutting out from under his waxy skin. He had his needle and rubber on the bed in front of him, staring at them with hollow eyes.

"Hey, Charlie." I said softly. Charlie didn't even move, and I briefly worried that he somehow died sitting up. But I watched his chest until I saw it expand and contrast. I edged over the bed and sat beside him, folding my hands in my lap. "You taken anything yet?"

"No." He responded simply. He didn't look at me, or try to come into my arms for comfort. I hadn't ever seen him like this, and it scared me.

"Are you okay? Tell me what's wrong." Carefully, I placed a hand on his back. He felt cold.

Charlie shrugged, closing his eyes. "You tell me."

A chill went through my body, and I suddenly was not ready for this conversation. I pulled my hand back and folded it in my lap, taking in a shaky breath. I wanted Charlie to start shooting up so I could know he wouldn't be in pain long. But he didn't reach for it.

"Where are you going Sunday?" He asked finally when I didn't respond. "I heard you talking out there with... That guy. Who was he?"

I swallowed hard, forcing my voice to work. "That was Will, my band's bassist. We're going to California. There's a show."

"You didn't tell me that." Charlie responded.

"I tell you about every single show, Char." My voice was strained, fighting tears. "You never show. It doesn't make a difference if you know."

Charlie rubbed a hand down his face. "I still like to know where you go, Dan. I worry about you. Running around out of state with a group of guys." He waved his hand dismissively, as though he really couldn't be bothered. "When will you be home, then?"

"Monday." I said, the tears starting to dry before they even fell. He didn't care. He thought he did, but he didn't.

"Monday." Charlie echoed. "Okay. Fine."

He didn't ask what time. Maybe he was just mad. It was hard to tell with him.

"I've been cheating on you." The words fell from my mouth before I could even work up the courage to use them. Maybe _I_  was mad. Maybe I just wanted to see him worry, or anything. I worried every single day that I would lose him. Did he ever fear the same for me? 

Charlie finally looked at me, and I stared back at him. He didn't look shocked or angry, he just studied me. I tried to hold my resolve so that he knew I was serious. After a few moments of no reaction, he nodded, slowly looking back down at the bed cover. His mouth closed, and that seemed to be it for him.

I wouldn't take my eyes off him. "Say something." I prompted.

"What do you want me to say?" Charlie asked, his eyes fixing on the needle. "That I'm surprised? Because I'm really not."

"Are you angry? Upset? Anything?" I was desperate for him to care about me. I wasted so many fucking years with him. Years I could have been happy with Kyle.

"Not really, Dan."

His words stung me more than mine did to him. I stared in disbelief at him, too frozen to even scramble away from him like I so desperately wanted to do. I fought with words for a time. "What the hell?"

Charlie laughed, but it was devoid of humor. "What? It's obvious you're not happy here. So who am I to get upset at you finding comfort somewhere else?"

"You're my  _boyfriend_!" My shouting startled the both of us. I almost apologized, then swallowed it down. "You should be mad! Yell at me or something. For the love of God,  _care about me_!"

"I do." Charlie kept his voice level. "That's why I'm not upset. If you want to fix this, we can. If you want to go, then go. I want you to stay, Dan. I want you happy too."

"Bullshit." I started to tear up. "That's absolute bullshit. You don't care. You just want to shoot up and be a fucking zombie the rest of your life. You don't care if I'm here. You wouldn't even notice if I never came back."

I stood up, marching to the door and swinging it open.

"Dan-" Charlie tried.

"Shut up." I snapped, glaring at him over my shoulder. "Just shoot up like you always do and stop pretending. I can't stand to hear it."

With that, I slammed the door on him and stormed to the couch. Being only a room away didn't feel like enough distance, but I didn't want to leave. Even when he broke my heart, I still was worried he wouldn't be okay if I was gone.

I wanted Kyle. I wanted to cry on his shoulder and fall asleep in his soft sheets. I missed his lips and the way he made everything okay just by making me laugh. Sitting on that same damned couch I always did made me feel worlds away from him. And even when I only had about a full day to wait until I was his forever. I wondered if I could wait that long.

I didn't hear any noise from the bedroom for a full hour. He was either already asleep from the heroin or sitting quietly and waiting for God knows what. I decided that I didn't care anymore. I got up off the couch and walked into the kitchen, picking up the cordless and hurrying back to the couch. I squinted to type the numbers in the dark, then pressed the phone to my ear and hoped desperately there would be an answer.

After the fourth ring, a groggy voice answered, "Hello?"

My heart stuttered. "It's me."

"Dan." His voice instantly perked up. "Hey sweetheart. Are you okay? It's pretty late."

I closed my eyes and laid down on the couch. "Nothing's wrong. I just needed to hear your voice. I'm sorry that it's so late."

"That's fine. I wasn't doing anything important anyway." Kyle yawned. 

"Sleep is kind of important." I pointed out.

"Not more important than you." Kyle retorted, making me grin. Just the sound of him breathing was enough to transport me out of my house, and I was vividly able to imagine myself in his house. We would be sitting in his kitchen over cups of black coffee, our feet touching under the table and giving each other adoring looks as we spoke. Not unlike many other nights we had shared in the past.

I closed my eyes, sighing and already feeling myself winding down from being so angry at Charlie. "I miss you."

Kyle laughed drowsily. "Just saw you Tuesday, and we're running away on Sunday. You've got a whole lifetime to not miss me, if you want it."

"I do. I want it now, though. I'm so sick of waiting." I clutched the phone tightly, lowering my voice to a whisper. "I love you. And I'm done waiting to love you."

Kyle was quiet for a while, and I had the brief fear that maybe I had gone too far. Maybe he didn't feel the same way I did. But his tone when he spoke again was so warm it calmed my fears.

"I miss you. And I hate waiting as much as you do. So if you don't want to, then fuck it. I'll come get you right now. I'll take you across town, or even out of state right this very second. Tell me what you want, baby. I'm at your command."

My mouth automatically opened to cry out for him, tell Kyle that he was all I wanted. But I had promised Will that I would end things with Charlie properly, and I hadn't done that yet. The most I had done was lose my temper and make things worse. So I stifled my pleads for him to take me out of here, and sighed in defeat.

"I can't leave yet. Charlie..."

"He knows, huh?"

"Yeah. It didn't go well."

"I'm so sorry, darling. Are you okay?"

"I am, yeah. I'm just sad. But I would rather have things resolved. Y'know?"

"Yeah. That's real sweet of you."

"Well, probably wouldn't have happened if Will didn't drag me to the desert to talk some sense into me."

"Wait... What?"

I laughed, and Kyle joined me. "I'll tell you all about it later." I assured him, rubbing my eyes. I was feeling drowsy and safe now. "Can you stay on with me until I fall asleep, Ky?"

"Of course I will." Kyle whispered. "Go to sleep, Dan. I love you so much. I'll be right here."

"I love you, too." I mumbled, snuggling into the couch. "Goodnight."

"Sleep tight."

I cradled the phone against my face and listened to the sounds of the man who held my heart. Kyle stayed on the line as he got ready to sleep once again. I heard him getting a drink and the muffled shuffling of him getting under the covers again. As I was about to nod off, he started to hum a song. I smiled, my consciousness ebbing with the unsung lyrics drifting in my head as gently as clouds.

 _Sing me to sleep, sing me to sleep._  
And then leave me alone.  
Don't try to wake me in the morning,  
'Cause I will be gone.  
Don't feel bad for me.  
I want you to know,  
Deep in the cell of my heart,  
I will feel so glad to go.

The words haunted my mind as I slept, dreaming of nothing except the somber 80s song. Kyle's voice echoed in my subconscious long after it ended. I was asleep, but I didn't know for how long. When I woke again, the room around me was still dark. The phone was by my arm, and the line was off. I tried to blink the sleep out of my eyes, stretching my arm above my head.

"Dan."

Charlie's voice nearly made me jump off the couch. I sat up, peering around in the dark until I could see Charlie hovering at the other end of the couch, watching me. I swallowed, pulling my feet up to my chest. "What?"

His silhouette pointed to the phone. "Who is he? I want to know his name."

I didn't want to speak his name. Not here, not to Charlie. I thought the filth that grew around us would somehow extend to him and ruin everything. I felt as though the ugly, mangled connection Charlie and I called a relationship could infect my love for Kyle like a virus. 

"The least you owe me is a goddamn name." Charlie's voice was harsh, and so unlike him. I knew he had to be on something, but I wasn't sure what it was. Heroin always made him sleep, it had to be different. 

"It's Kyle." I replied in a small voice. I hugged my knees to my chest, never taking my eyes off of his form.

Charlie barked a laugh. "Kyle? As in Kyle Simmons, your fucking keyboard guy? Christ! That would be hilarious if it weren't so shitty."

My eyes moistened, blurring my already unclear vision. I couldn't see him, but I could hear him cross the floor and kneel by my side. "I'm sorry." I whimpered just as he grabbed my wrist. He had never laid a hand on me in a wrong way, no matter what he took.

" _Sorry_? You don't seem too sorry. If you were, you wouldn't be fucking some lowlife musician." Charlie shook my wrist, and I tried to pull away. He held on to me so tightly that I cried out a bit in pain. "What is it, hm? What's so bad here that you're trying to get away?"

I pushed at his hand, starting to cry out of fear of who Charlie had become. "I just... I want to start over... I'm sorry."

"Start over? Without me?" He demanded. I didn't answer him, just wept softly and tried to pry his hand off of my wrist. He squeezed me tighter with a strength I didn't think his bony hands were capable of. "What is bringing this on now? Is it money? Or the ours I work? Is it that dead-end band filling your head with fantasies?"

"You're scaring me!"

My scream echoed shortly on the walls, bringing with it an uneasy silence to follow. I felt like I couldn't breathe, my air mixing with painful sobs and feeling like a fire was set in my lungs. Charlie dropped my wrist, and I cradled it against my chest. I could feel his stare on me, but I was too afraid to look at him. I was shaking so hard I could barely keep myself in the fetal position. 

Charlie's voice made me flinch. "Dan... It's not my fault... I'm..."

"The drugs," I cut him off in a broken voice. "That's why I'm leaving. I can't fucking stand the person you've become. I'm tired of living in fear of you dying on me. I'm done, Charlie. We're done."

I raised my eyes to see Charlie's fist clenched. For a horrific moment I thought he was going to punch me. But he didn't. His hand rested against his side, barely visible by the moonlight coming through the open window.

He turned around and walked into the bathroom. The handle locked, and there was no noise.

I only dared to move when I heard the shower start running. My hands trembled and I picked the cordless up off the couch. I slid off and crawled as quietly as I could across the carpet, biting my lip furiously so my crying wouldn't give me away.

Halfway to the door, there was a loud  _crack_  form the bathroom, followed by glass falling and breaking on the ground. My mind instantly fled to the worst case scenario, but it was proven wrong when Charlie started to scream in rage. More items were broken, and his fists seemed to be pounding on every surface in the bathroom. He was in there like a hurricane, smashing and breaking every item he could touch.

My moved moved on its own then, pulling me to the door as fast as my unsteady feet would take me. I struggled with the handle, my breath wheezing and finally scrambling out into the warm nights. My legs simply gave out then, and I collapsed onto the front steps, crying harder than I had ever before.

It was all I could do to hit the "redial" button on the telephone. I was ashamed that it would come to this, but also too scared to stay alone with Charlie anymore.

The drugs finally took him over. They won.

 

-

 

Kyle brought Wood and Will for back up when they came to get me. All of them were furious, and Woody had to be physically restrained from barging into the house and beating the shit out of Charlie for scaring me so bad. They collected me off the front porch and told me I wasn't allowed back unless they were all there.

Saturday was mostly me crying and clinging to Kyle as we all tried to catch up on sleep. Kyle never let me go once the whole day, always having his arms around me or holding my hand. He looked at the bruises on me with such remorse, like he had been the one to cause them.

By the time Saturday night rolled around, and I was falling asleep with my head in the curve of Kyle's neck, I had all but forgotten about the fear of being near Charlie. If anything now, I was just detached. I had to go back to that awful house one last time to gather my things, and then I would be able to leave it all behind. That was all that mattered.

Sunday morning, I wasn't anxious. Will cooked pancakes in Kyle's kitchen, and we all buzzed excitedly about leaving for California. Woody had pinned down a house to rent, and we all would be roommates for as long as it would be convenient. We had a show the very night we rolled in, and more to followed through the week while we searched for jobs to keep our dreams afloat. It was a rickety plan, but the best one that we had.

The hour came where we had to leave. Kyle left most the things in his house for his brothers to clean out later for him. He loaded a small bag of clothes and other necessary items into Will's half-full trunk, and we took off towards Charlie's house.

I already had a plan mapped out of where i would go once I was inside. To the bedroom to grab the duffle bag that I already stuffed with clothes, then to the top of the closet to grab a few books, and finally to the living room for the small photo albums I had collected of my extended family and old friends. I decided not to go in the bathroom so I wouldn't have to face the mess that Charlie made. I could buy a tooth brush when I got there.

The house stood like a mausoleum among the perfectly normal neighbors. It seemed cold and devoid of life, even though I knew someone resided inside. His truck was still in the driveway. Maybe he was dead, maybe he was waiting. Either way, I wouldn't  have to face it alone.

We marched up the sidewalk, and it was weird for me to think that it would be for the final time. I paused at the door, turning to my friends. "Wait out here. Okay?"

"No!" All three of them blurted with alarm. Kyle but his hand on my shoulder, adding, "What if he tries to hurt you again?"

"Then I'lls cream real loud. But I don't think he will." I wasn't too confident in that, but I was holding out on hope. "I don't want to say goodbye with an audience. I'll be out quick, though."

Kyle nodded slowly, but the other two looked apprehensive. I gave Kyle a quick kiss, then I turned to the door. I took a deep breath, grabbing the handle and pushing the door open. I stepped inside fast and shut it quickly behind me to protect them.

Of course, the lights weren't on. But I could see the chaos before I even flipped the switch. Charlie's path of destruction carried from the bathroom and tore up every inch of the house. I could smell the smoke of something that had been set on fire in the bathroom, my heart sinking to the pit of my stomach. Most of what I could see in the ruins were my things. I felt sick, and I just wanted to leave as fast as possible.

On the corner of the couch, my denim jacket hung seemingly untouched. I stepped carefully over broken glass and torn up papers towards it, listening carefully for any sounds of Charlie approaching from the other room.

As I got closer to the couch, I could see a pale hand hanging over the edge. I couldn't see any more than that coming up behind the couch. I wasn't sure I would want to see the rest. He might be dead. Even now, my stomach churned at the thought. My greatest fear was him dying dying, and me finding him. That fear held on strong even now.

I plucked the jacket off the couch, clutching it to my chest and taking a few rapid steps backwards to avoid waking him.

He didn't so much as twitch until I stepped on a chunk of broken glass, crushing it under the heel of my shoe. I saw the pale hand jerk, then pull in to raise the body from the couch. I held my breath, ready to let it out in a scream for the three men waiting outside.

Charlie looked at me, his face full of fear and pain. He opened his mouth to say something, then slowly closed it when he saw the jacket in my hands.

"It's Sunday." I said softly. Charlie nodded. "I'm leaving now."

"You'll be back Monday?" He asked.

My stomach twisted. "No. I'm never coming back here. This is goodbye, Charlie."

"Wait, wait." Charlie got up, swaying slightly as he did. "Okay. Don't come back here, I get it. But maybe... Maybe just meet me in town or something. Okay? I want to talk, Dan. Please."

He thought that I was coming back to Vegas. He didn't know I was going to stay in California by the ocean, far way from this hellish desert. Far away from him.

What did it matter? If he knew I wasn't coming back, he might try to follow me. If he was delayed for a day or so he might give up the chase and let me go. So I nodded, backing towards the door as I did so. Nothing in this house was worth potentially having Charlie spoil my running away. The things I treasured most were people, and they were waiting outside.

"Alright. I'll call you when I get in on Monday. But we're over, Charlie. There's nothing you can say to change my mind on that. Okay? Don't even try. I've got someone else."

Charlie winced. "Okay. I still love you Dan. That's not going to change. I love more than any of those bitches before or after me. Remember that."

"Okay." I whispered, placing my hand on the doorknob.

Charlie's expression darkened. "Say it. Say you'll remember."

I swallowed hard, my mind flashing the image of Charlie's fist clenching. I nodded quickly. "I'll remember. Goodbye, Charlie."

"See you later, little lady."

I turned my back to him, barely hiding my smile despite myself. He wouldn't see my ever again, and I wouldn't see him. And I had no urges to look over my shoulder for last glances. I was ready to let go.

Stepping out through that door was like walking into a completely different world. Closing the door on Charlie was liberating. I saw my friends, and their faces lit up when they saw my grin. My eyes landed on Kyle, and I was so damn in love with him. It had no restrictions now. I pulled on my denim jacket, holding it tight to my body.

"Where's your stuff?" Woody asked, glancing at the door behind me curiously.

I paused to give him a quick kiss on the cheek, making his face go red. "I've got everything I need right here. Let's ditch this fucking place."

"That's the spirit, baby." Will nudged me into Kyle, who draped his arm over my shoulders. I snuggled up against his side as we walked to Will's car in the soft glow of the sunrise.

Kyle stopped me a few feet from the car while the other two got in. He cupped my face in his hands and kissed me, right on the street for anyone to see. I didn't care, let my neighbors be disgusted. Where I was going, it wouldn't matter. Kyle was mine, and I was his.

"Do I finally get to call you my boyfriend?" Kyle asked as he drew his mouth away.

I smiled, leaning on him and stealing a few more kisses from his lips. "You call me anything you want, as long as you call me yours."

"You're mine." He confirmed in a soft tone, pulling me close to him. I hid my face against his chest, listening to his steady heartbeat and savoring the feeling of the sun on my back coupled with Kyle's arms around me like a fence from the past.

Everything I had come through so far had shaped me as a person. I couldn't tell quite yet whether it would help me or hinder me, but that was alright. The evil demons that lurked in my head couldn't seem to overtake this beautiful moment. My experiences with Charlie were settling into bad memories that could be soothed over with time.

It was an ending and a beginning all in one.

 

 

**San Francisco, California. 1994.**

 

 

The mirror in my bathroom showed a man in a suit that made him look old beyond his years, rivaled by a face that was full of pure fear. I hardly recognized him as myself, having to take a good long look before I found my blue eyes behind my styled hair and the familiar freckles among my stubble. I had grown a lot since I gave myself a proper look, but I was still hidden in the new features I had acquired.

My hands trembled with nerves as I tried to tie my silver tie. Tonight wasn't just a dinner party. It wasn't a sold out concert. It wasn't a night out with the boys. No, later in the evening I would be walking onto a stage broadcast on live television from New York City with my band mates. We would be accepting quite a few awards from what I read in the letter from MTV. I was no where near prepared for it, or the speeches that they came with. It was one thing to sing in front of a huge audience. Public speaking was a whole other level that I had no experience in. The idea made me want to vomit and call in sick.

As I was seriously considering falling down the stairs outside my bedroom to have a valid excuse to ditch, Kyle seemingly floated into the bathroom behind me. He saw the mess of a tie around my beck and the terror on my face, letting out an airy laugh. "Geez, baby. Got nerves or what?"

"Or what." I said, turning around and facing him. Kyle shook his head fondly, undoing my tangle and calmly tying my tie properly. I watched his hands, all tanned and adorned with rings he collected over the years. I took a few deep breaths, calming myself down. "A music award show, Kyle. We're taking a plane to New York. Can you believe any of this?"

"You know, I can. Our band kicks ass." Kyle smirked, pecking my lips and wrapping his arms around me. "You need to calm down, have a drink. You know me and the boys won't let anything go wrong."

I smiled up at him, closing my eyes when he rested our foreheads together. It had taken us four years, but we finally made it. Our music hit the charts so fast our heads spun and our band's name was on everyone's lips. Bastille. After a whirlwind of concerts and international tours, we were bringing in the last stretch of the year with three MTV awards. All we had to do was get to New York and accept them.

Kyle and I were in love when we ran from Vegas, and remained so to this day. His love was so intense and pure that it washed away all the bad shit that used to cling in my ind. My mood was almost always positive, and I was able to reflect on bad times to write powerful music without letting it consume me. And now, living in a house with the love of my life, I was able to surround myself with good music and even better memories. I was finally safe.

His fingers linked with mine, touching the golden ring on my finger. We wouldn't get married legally, but we still wanted the symbolism of it . All things considered, Kyle was my husband. No matter what the government had to say about it. I never planned on loving anybody else.

"Feeling better?" Kyle murmured, covering my freckled cheeks in delicate kisses.

"Hm. Maybe a bit." I teased, squeezing his hand. "Promise you'll stay by my side the whole time?"

Kyle kissed my forehead. "I promise. It would take a whole lot for me to ever leave you."

"Thank you." I whispered, laying my head on his shoulder. "I love you."

"I love you more." He replied.

"Bullshit. I wrote a song for you. Or... Ten."

"Yeah? Well I play those song with, and sing backing vocals."

"I have to walk up on stage and accept an award for those songs."

"So do I!"

"Shit. Do you think it's possible that we love each other equally?"

Kyle pursed his lips in thought. "Unlikely. But I'm willing to accept it. Wanna know why?"

"Not really."

"Because I love you."

I pushed him playfully, and he laughed and took off out of the bathroom. "If you catch me, I'll accept defeat!" He called to me as he disappeared around the corner.

"Oh, you prick." I laughed, chasing after him. I came out of our bedroom just in time to see him taking the stairs two at a time to the main level. I tore after him, being a little more careful going down, and followed his laughter into the dining room.

Our house wasn't big by any means. We chose a more private location over the size. With becoming somewhat famous, we had to work that much harder just to keep our lives out of the tabloids. So far, we did alright. Of course people spread rumors and leaked information, but they were never enough to fully out us.

Kyle trapped himself by going behind the dining table, and to ever side he shifted to, I went the same direction. He narrowed his eyes, trying to calculate a way around me. I grinned. "Give it up, Simmons."

"Fuck yourself." He laughed.

I feigned going to my right, which made him break for the open spot. I turned quickly and caught him around the waist, knocking over a chair int he process.

"I win!" I exclaimed, the both of us laughing so hard we could barely breathe.

"As if!" Kyle tickled my sides until I had to give up and drop my arms. He kissed my smiling lips before dashing away again to the back door. 

I groaned. "Cheater!" I called, jogging after him. He left the door open and his taunting laugh disappeared outside. I paused at the door, looking down at my slacks and dress socks. I debated grabbing my shoes, but decided that I could just change later if I got dirty. I stepped out onto the back patio, looking around for where my husband had gone to.

Around the corner of our house, I barely saw Kyle's back peeking out. I smiled, creeping over quietly to the edge. He didn't move, and I jumped around the corner, hugging him around the neck. "Got you!" I boasted, nuzzling his cheek. "Now you have to..."

Kyle's shoulders were rigid, and he wasn't focused on me. His eyes were fixed on the corner of our yard, fear on his face. I slowly let go of him and followed his stare.

Halfway behind a bush, a girl with tangled brown hair stood. Even from the distance, I could see her eyes were bloodshot. She was wearing one of our band t-shirts, swaying where she stood. Since our fame started, we were warned about fans. Some would do anything to meet us. We did have security around our house, but we hadn't had any sort of scares to make us fell like we needed to really lock ourselves down. Now, I understood the warnings. I wished we had heeded them while we had the chance.

"Who are you?" I asked calmly, trying not to show how unnerved I was. I took a step around Kyle.

When I started to pass him, Kyle grabbed my sleeve. "Dan," he said in a low warning tone. "Her hand."

My eyes trailed down, and I understood why he was frozen. A small silver fun rested in her hands, and her finger was on the trigger. I stopped beside Kyle, grabbing his shaking hand.

"I don't want to do this." The girl said, raising the gun slowly. "I have to do it. I have to. You've gotta stop being like this. There's no other way."

I held up my free hand. "Woah, woah. It's okay. You don't have to do this, we can talk it out. You can come inside, and we can talk. Okay?"

She started to cry. "I tried! I sent you letter after letter... You won't listen! You're still with  _him_!" She waved the gun in Kyle's direction, and my heart caught in my throat.

I stepped a little bit in front of Kyle, holding my arm out across him. "If you want me to break up with him, then tell me so. But I won't listen to you with that gun. Set it down."

"Dan, please." Kyle sounded terrified, grabbing the back of my suit jacket. "Just go run for help, baby. Please."

"I'm not leaving you." I whispered back, turning my head to look at him. "It's alright. I'm not leaving."

" _You're not listening_!"

Time seemed to be fast and slow all at once, like it was happening in tiny increments. I looked towards the girl as she shouted, and in the same instance she fired the gun. Rapidly, I looked back to Kyle to make sure he was okay. Slowly, he met my gaze, his brown eyes pooling with tears. That's when I knew. Before I saw the red blossom on his shirt. Before he sank down to his knees, his hand still holding desperately to the fabric on my back. Before I saw him clutch at his wound.

And then, time was far too quick. Seconds were twice as fast when my knees hit the ground with Kyle's. He slumped over on me, his breathing wet and choked while he struggled to keep a hold on my, and a hold on life.

"Sweetie, shhh. It's okay." I tried to sooth him, but I was cold with panic myself. My whole mouth was numb, and I barely had any control of my hands to hold him up and stroke his hair.

"Dan..." He choked out, his head lolling to the side with a painful gasp. "Hurts..."

"I know. I know. But you have to stand up so we can get you help Okay? Stand up love. Please."

As I spoke his weight increased on me. His breath escaped with an eerie rattle, and I didn't hear it come back in. I shook him lightly, nearly dropping him onto the ground by doing so. I gathered his limp body into my arms and held on to him as tightly as I could, unable to breath or think. No, not Kyle. Not him.

"Kyle?" I whimpered, looking up at the blue sky. He didn't answer me. He didn't move. Oh God, his blood was falling down the front of my shirt and staining my lap. He was bleeding so much. He wasn't speaking. "Kyle... Please, get up. Kyle, please."

I tried to stand up, pulling his body up like a rag doll. His legs didn't cooperate. His arms didn't hold on to me for support. His head tipped back, and I saw his lifeless eyes half open, staring at me. I tried to search for anything in his face to show me that he was still with me. But all I got were slack features, and a strange lack of movement about him. I had never seen him this way. I had never seen him so vacant.

My legs mimicked his, dragging me to the ground. I held Kyle's body against me, and I screamed into the open air.

 

-

 

I had always wondered about what I would do when Charlie died. I had just been so sure I would have to find him after an overdose and deal with the body. I didn't know how I would react, especially towards the end. I just knew it would snap something inside of me to see a man I loved devoid of life.

Never did the thought cross my mind of holding someone I loved as they died. I didn't ever think I would have to watch. I always just hoped that I wouldn't be around to witness the death, that would be easier. And if I thought I wasn't ready to see Charlie dead, I was no where near prepared to have to let Kyle go.

I cried so much. I would spend hours sobbing until I passed out from exhaustion, and then I would wake up and start crying all over again. For three days I didn't leave our bed. I pressed my face into his pillow and wished that I had been shot instead. Nothing was right without him there, and no one could ever make it that way again. Kyle was my world, and it was just torn apart right in front of my eyes. 

Woody and Will were extremely supportive through the whole thing. Over our four years practically living together the entire time, we grew closer than we had been before. They kept a brave face in front of me, but I heard them crying in different rooms when they thought I was asleep. They would take turns watching over me, or holding me in the bed, but it wasn't enough. I loved them. But they couldn't replace what I lost, couldn't make it better. 

No one person could make it better. On the fourth day waking up in the same room, I realized that. It was never going to get better. This pain that settled into my chest like a million seeds would grow, and it would stay until I joined my love in the dirt. I couldn't make it better with some wholesome talks with family or by trying to shape up and move on with life. Kyle was gone, and he took my desire to live any sort of life with him.

I wasn't brave enough to attempt my own life, that much I knew. But I didn't want to continue on either. There was nothing for me to try to work for anymore without him. I had a lifetime of music to take if I wanted it, but what would be the point? I would have no one to write songs for anymore. Everything would be bland and hollow, and it wasn't worth the effort.

When I came to that conclusion, I left the house and got in my car. I didn't tell Woody or Will where I went. I didn't try to see when Kyle's funeral would be. I didn't plan on coming back. 

I drove the 9 hours back in time. Flying through twisting roads and deserts until the land evened out, and I could see the glint of the city nestled in the rock and sand. I didn't really have any sort of rational thought. The only thing that bounced in my foggy mind were images of Kyle, and the desire to go back. I wanted a do over of my time. I wanted to start again, knowing what was ahead. 

My car came to a stop in a neighborhood that hadn't seen my face in the flesh for quite some time. Mostly, things were the same. The same trees, same cracked pavement, same tacky decor in the front yards. Most importantly, the house I parked in front of was the same. Short and small, it had been almost completely lost in weeds and junk. I scanned the outside, not feeling any particular way about seeing Charlie's rusted truck or the cracks in the front windows. 

All I wanted was for time to go back, and for the pain to stop. My grieving mind took me here. I wasn't sure that I even understood why myself. But I stepped softly up the beat up sidewalk, eroded by weather and neglect. My hand rested on the doorknob, and I stopped for a minute to rethink my actions. But even when I tried to force clarity, it simply wouldn't come. My mind was lost, and I was incapable of reclaiming it. So I followed familiarity to guide me. The door was unlocked. I stepped into the house, shutting the door softly behind me.

Unsurprisingly, the house was a disaster. The wasteland that had been cut back when I was there had now amplified to levels that registered as bad even to my numb mind. I ignored the trash and filth, walking through like I belonged there. 

The TV was running some news channel, and I could see the top of Charlie's head over the couch, slightly tipped back. I stepped around him and walked into the bedroom, finding things exactly as I had left them four years ago. 

I stripped out of the clean clothes I had come in, setting them in the top of the closet. I picked out a stained shirt and a pair of basketball shorts from a pile in front of the closet doors, glancing at myself in the full length mirror. This man, I recognized him instantly. This was where I belonged. Amidst the trash and dirty clothes, my eyes red from crying and a self-loathing so deep I could read it on my face. This was who I truly was. With my old skin back on, I trudged back out into the main area of the small house. I paused by the TV, looking at Charlie for the first time in four years.

Charlie had remained largely the same. His dark hair was unkempt, and his beard had grown a bit. He was in a tank top with a glazed look on his face, his eyes watching the TV screen with disinterest. He was still so skinny he looked like he could snap in half if the breeze hit him too hard. The track marks on his skin were now coupled with violent looking bruises all up and down his thin arms. He was exactly as I remembered, plus years of drug abuse piled on top. But he was familiar. And that's what I needed.

I walked over to the couch and sat beside him. He didn't react to my being there, and I was glad for that. I just needed things to be as they were. No extra emotions. No long talks. I just wanted to exist in a space that did have any expectations of me. Where I could join the piles of trash and eventually rot away.

"Sorry." Charlie said, his voice sounding hoarse. He didn't even look at me when he said it, almost like he was apologizing to the TV.

I watched him for a while, then fixed my eyes on the flashing screen. I saw a picture of Kyle on the screen, followed by the same headlines that assaulted my very existence. I bit my lip, willing myself not to cry about it more. But the ache in my chest was absolutely killing me. 

Charlie reached his slender hand towards me, placing it on my shoulder and guiding me down. I sniffled, laying down with my head in his lap. I buried my face against the fabric of his sweatpants, my shoulders shaking with little hiccups.

"Make it go away, Charlie." I pleaded in a small voice. "I just want it to stop hurting."

He played with my hair in that way that I used to love so much. It just felt like bugs crawling on my scalp now, making my skin crawl. But I stayed where I was, submissive to anything he would do to me. I didn't care anymore. Life wasn't worth trying to scavenge from the ruins that Kyle's death left me in. 

Charlie sat me up after a while, reaching down on the floor beside him and picking something up. He turned to me, finally looking me in the eyes. They were almost as dead as Kyle's when he collapsed in my arms. He placed a thick piece of rubber into one of my hands, and a full needle in the other. "It helps. Everything will stop hurting."

I blinked away tears, looking at the items that I had hated so passionately in the past. They filled me with equal parts disgust and pain. This was what ruined Charlie, what took him from me in the first place and drove me to run away. Shit like this made that girl go crazy and shoot my husband. At the same time, I  _knew_  that it made you feel good. Otherwise, why would people be so desperate to get their next hit? It worked. What would it matter if I ruined my life at this point? I had nothing to return to, and no where to go but down from here. And if there was a way to make my descent as painless as possible, I wanted to take it.

I held out my arm to Charlie, locking eyes with him. "Show me how."

**Author's Note:**

> i did this with the last story too and it was kinda fun to patch together some songs so here it is again if you want!
> 
> 1\. (I Just) Died in Your Arms (cover) - Bastille   
> 2\. Balloons - Charlie Barnes  
> 3\. Black Velvet - Alannah Myles  
> 4\. Collar Full - Panic! at the Disco  
> 5\. Critical Mistakes - 888  
> 6\. Asleep - The Smiths   
> 7\. Elastic Heart - Sia  
> 8\. Talk Me Down - Troye Sivan  
> 9\. What Sarah Said - Death Cab for Cutie   
> 10\. Requiem for Blue Jeans - Bastille


End file.
